hey call me
can't. in the shower.
... and this is probably why your phone does not work half the time.
She is chewing on staples and spitting them at her cat, I think it's time to leave..
I have an asthmatic alcoholic for a roommate. That can't be safe.
Hes the only one i know who can talk to a girl for an entire hour abuot the science in starwars and still get laid.
He told her hed rather go bobbing for apples in puke than have sex with her.
I cunt my lip shaving. That's not a typo, it's a placement clue
If we had kids we couldn't come home, get high and watch porn together. And that's like the only reason I get up in the morning
Sorry, fell into some ass. Call you tomorrow.
I have a pair of clean panties in my purse. This is having your life together.
I LIKE NICE BOXERS OKAY!? COMBINED WITH A GLORIOUS DICK JUST MAKES THIS EVEN BETTER. WE MOVE IN TOGETHER AND THAT PIC'S GETTIN FUCKING FRAMED.
Getting drunk in an Applebee's pray for me
Lord god protect this child
This is an alert from the drunk police: you have reached the point of no return. Text messages past this point are illegible.
Holy shit dude........stairs
Mike's letting gay guys do body shots off him again.
My boyfriend, ladies and gentlemen.
I'm so hungry and so lazy that I'm seriously considering ripping into that packet of cream cheese in my nightstand.
Randomize
