Remember that night when i almost got you arrested? Is that funny yet?
bikini waxes are so much more painful when you know you're not getting laid
Sophomore year, I fucked on your desk chair. I'm sorry. I love you.
Two dudes got up on top of the pianos and danced shirtless. They didnt even get kicked out. I love vegas
I just had sex on a bear rug. My life is complete.
the thing I didn't realize I would miss about college is that at home you can't just dismiss your sex bruises as drunk accidents
Your CAR. Is in a LAKE. I'd say "a big mess" is a pretty conservative description of the situation.
No we are not "bros" because I came out of my moms vagina& you went in there.
My mom just told me the story of how she met my dad through prison. How was your saturday?
I just told a bottle to be chill
and meant it
Yep that's the face of someone whose dick I would put in my mouth without hesitation
Bring me pizza. I'll trade you your underwear you left here for 2 slices.
i just called dibs on the taxi driver at the bar that isnt drinking. im a grown up
And despite my lack of successful relationships I'm a fucking guru
That's like claiming you're a good coach but going 2-12 last season
so i went to the bathroom and my thong was on sideways... i guess that solves the mystery
Randomize
