3:12 am: but i thought i was coming over tonight, don't fall asleep i wore new underwear
when does round two start
I don't know, I gave up bartenders for lent
glad you had fun, i did too. am rubbing aloe on my butt now.
Wish I didn't live with 3 girls so I could beat off in peace.
Don't put random dicks in your mouth or any other crevice for that matter... and i'm home in 30 seconds
Wish I got that text last night instead of this morning.
Um, so I couldn't say it in person, but if you find my underwear in your office. Sorry. I couldn't find them, so yea.
She passed out in his mom's bed and when we went to go get her she went 'no its cool I live here'.
I got written up at work for smelling like sex and vodka. Still not sure how they put that into professional terms.
The sex was so bad. I kept sending people snapchats of my face during it.
I gave three different guys a boner at the same time last night, and none of them are in the same city as I am. That's achievement.
How drunk is too drunk to be on an airplane?
Honey you are a beautiful woman but I came over to eat your pizza and fuck your brother. And you're out of pizza.
Someone explain to me why I woke up to find a stolen shopping cart in my room...
Hey how're your balls?
Don't ever let me helicopter again.
I've seen your dick too many times for both of us to be straight.
Randomize
