if i can run in heels then i can drive
Pregnant stripper...not hot.
what if I'm pregnant?
smusmorshion
I'm at the gas station where we got beef jerky and condoms. The fact that those two are in the same sentence makes me love you more.
thank god my boss can't smell the tequila on my breathe over the phone.
hey, haven't seen your testicles in a while...you 3 still alive?
She went dumpster diving. Found flourescent light bulbs, carpet samples and $15. We got a bottle of Popov, played star wars and threatened random people with the carpet. Get on our level.
Getting cock-blocked by Jeff Bridges. NOT OKAY.
putting weed in the twinkies box was possibly the best idea you've ever had
Update: I only have one shoe. The other one now belongs to the gods of jello-wrestling. May it rest in peace.
He's cute when he's drunk, too. Also he tried to fight my door...
This is going to be one of those "I can only do this high" classes
My brain and heart say thanks but my vagina isn't super pleased with you right now
Drunk me is basically the Oprah of nudes. Everyone gets one.
The FEDEX guy just cock blocked me by getting his van stuck in my driveway
Randomize
