we just ordered 30 dollars worth of french fries...whats wrong with us?
She's sitting on the couch buck naked, eating a cupcake for dinner. I'm breaking new ground as a parent here.
She broke both of her ankles trying to jump off the balcony. it's like every time she drinks she makes even more impressively bad decisions than the last time
On an unrelated side note: I shall now attempt to crawl to the bathroom. Where I will lay motionless on the cold ceramic bathtub with hot water pouring over my shivering body as I desperately try not to vomit. Good day.
And the horses in Central Park have blankets. And Rafiki just told me "it is time" in the back of our cab.
This is the minute she broke up with me. If you're receiving this mass text, you are one for the girls who made me promise to text you at this point.
I think Vodka is my favorite. Everything else ties for second.
MAYDAY. glass in foot, have crush on guy with mullet.life is over.
I don't care how fucking drunk you are, you don't forget wanting to shove a wine bottle up someone's ass.
You in for a dick vacation?
YES, even though I have no idea what that means
yeah, I'm getting gagged by the cock of fate
As I came the Sportcenter app played that "dah nuh nuh" chime. Top ten life highlight?
He told me to leave him behind and bury him in his batman pajamas. So two lessons I guess, don't give Tom whiskey and don't touch his daddy issues with a twenty nine and a half foot pole.
Like if Ohio doesn't think I can get smashed on wine I will gladly prove them wrong
Man, I'm never going tanning again he noticed the burns on my ass
Randomize
