you would not believe what I got pierced last night...
son, I feel like that is a phrase a father never wants to hear.
No he didn't understand the sequence...then I started texting him these texts with vagina strategically spelt correctly in jumbles of letters.
I just realised I've never been sober in my apartment
You didn't know it was a gay bar until the 7th guy rejected you. You were crying because you thought it was just a bad night. No more for you.
While I faked being asleep, he literally prayed to God out loud, asking for forgiveness for losing his virginity before marriage.
Missing both credit cards and just had a flashback of grinding my nuts on the terrified cab driver for amusement. i am feeling a slight hate for myself right now.
they wouldnt let me drive the convertible because i was in a bird suit :(
It just wouldn't be valentines day if i didn't invite 90% of the guys i've slept with to go to the strip club with me
I mean.. listen to "Put It In My Mouth" and you'll get the gist of my voicemail for you.
Am I supposed to confront my 52-year-old boss/mother of 3 about the fact that we matched on Tinder?
JEREMY RENNER GOT DIVORCED. I STILL HAVE A CHANCE.
I puked into my skirt and then had to carry it to the bathroom and dump it out, Lmfao and it was like 2pm
I really need to stop having sex.. I haven't been able to get a brush through the back of my hair for a good week and a half
you were huddled over the toilet, throwing up, and every few seconds you'd look up and say "this is such a waste of vodka" then put your head back down and start puking again
Started dabbing in blow again because he always hated that I did it. Yuh I’m doing drugs but at least I’m doing me?
Randomize
