Take a Tylenol with a HUGE glass of water before you pass out, you'll thank me in the morning.
i dony have tylonal but i had a snickers and popcorn and a bottle of water and i am.. brushing my teeth!
fter the third song from an iPod commercial played I realized how much that frat sucked.
After three games of beer pong ending in victory by death cup, all four of us bonded in the fact that we all slept with the girl's boyfriend at some point in time in the past year. She had no idea.
Freshmen girls are like potato chips you can't have just one.
Oh trust me, i am. It's like magic, but instead of rabbits and doves its orgasms- He just keeps pulling them out of nowhere.
who was wearing the fake mustache? I just found one in my cleavage
So I'm drunk playing pool in a bar with a guy I arrested last week for a DUI...if he recognizes me, shit's gonna get real.
There are 27 signatures on my ass. What the hell happened last night?
Every time someone made a cup you congratulated them by letting them sign your ass.
my dad is now demonstrating how to start a fire with a tampon. happy fucking new year!
If I come in tomorrow with a cane and a seeing eye dog it's because I just mixed up my salicylic acid acne stuff with my eye makeup remover
I just found out that my husband and I are Eskimo siblings. What in the actual fuck?!
we managed to melt a few different forms of plastic into the cannibutter....
I'm pathetic. I'm eating cream puffs in the bath and crying a little.
He was Jesus for Halloween and I definitely got on my knees and gave him praise.
My vagina has made plenty life decisions and I would like to point out very few if not any of them were in my favor.
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