we need to drink 2009 down the drain
i just realized that the oil change sticker on my windshield is a day before the last time i had sex. I've driven exactly 10500 miles since.
you need to get laid.. and an oil change.
Bring more bourbon. Day drunk just hit another level.
Just got a free shot w my beer...it's not quite 11am yet...I love international travel. These people aren't judgmental.
Whenever you feel bad about your life, just remember the time I tried to swim while high and thought for a minute I was genuinely drowning
this mall makes me feel like I just rolled a 9 in jumanji and got the stampede card
and then we all passionately sang "what if god was one of us" until everyone passed out in the grass
I was ok with it until you started yelling " just the tip!" I know she's you gf but don't backseat drive the three-way.
Best part of leaving the university? Interns are as hot as my former students, not legally off limits, and they will do anything for a full time job.
Trust me, dating 38 and 20 year old dudes at the same time is the best. Money plus all of the sex. Finally figured out this relationship thing.
Let me know. Show me one boob if yes. 2 if no
Just met my French neighbor. We watched a crow die together, so we're pretty tight.
I'm spring cleaning all of the fuck boys out of my life.
No way in hell. Unless I was drunk Tindering again....my swiping finger gets drunk too I guess
If you wake up with half a an eyebrow.... I'm pretty sure it was a good time.
Randomize
