I wouldn't really call it 'getting lucky' considering I paid her to do it.
My alcohol tolerance is way too high for this paycheck.
You tried to tell her that the salad was an afrodisiac then proceeded to stroke yourself with the feather duster
In the ER. 2nd degree burns. Drunken attempt to make gasoline scented candles.
Going to have to start putting down newspaper if puking the bed is going to be a habit
Things we need. Powerade. Water in fridge. Mixers for vodka. And reality checks.
He called my vagina a rainforest. This is coming from a guy whose pubes are longer than his dick.
She's popping painkillers like they're tic tacs and singing the soundtrack to dreamgirls. It's you're turn to babysit her.
You kno how some people just need a "everything will be alright" pat on the back? I need an "everything will be alright" blowjob right now. Come over
I've decided that my night was probably over when I started eating the penne vodka with my hands.
Every pair of shorts I try on makes me look like some kind of powerful lesbian wizard.
That is like, the point of shorts
Is the booze for tonight or the apocalypse?
Both. Pregaming the zombie party and hurricane sustenance.
I'm in your room because it's a safe space. Is it ok to pee in here?
Just realized that I bailed on you guys yesterday just so I could get wendy's. it was worth it but still, sorry
I passed out in my bed, but woke up on the dog bed,with no pants, snuggling with toilet paper and a bottle of softsoap. Ive hit a new low.
Randomize
