I have a masturbator in my 5th grade class. the teacher told me ever since they caught him humping the desk in 2nd grade, they haven't been able to control him. he's even on medication but he will just do it in class
got weed?
I'm really tired of you accidentally texting me when your doing illegal things. I'm taking away your phone.
sorry mom...
he just watched a baby story on tlc while high and just called me screaming he never wants me to get pregnant
then he said we can't have sex anymore because ill hate him.
and all i could think was, am i really about to have sex with someone who still thinks that pee comes out of the actual vagina?
do you know anything about the $5 bill with my name stapled to it in my purse??
having to delete all your hookups stored in your phone as first name followed by frat/bar after they've graduated is such a bittersweet feeling
she uses eco-friendly sex toys. she is the literal definition of a hippie.
I apologize for getting really drunk, taking off my shirt, bitching someone out, crying, and breaking something at your party next weekend...
She's laying here with her head in my lap stoned, eating Doritos, whining about her boyfriend, and listening to Cher. Fuck the friend zone.
there is a money trail leading from my bathroom to my living room.. the trail ends with a half eaten bag of chips with a note that says "magical chipz".. who am i?
in the middle of fucking he asked me if i had gotten a haircut because he noticed i didnt have split ends anymore. i dont know what to think
I have a bruise on dick where you tried to "high five" me.
did you just say you're too stoned to fool around? okay we're over.
Shut the fuck up! I can hear you having sex over Pirates of the Caribbean you moaning whore.
He just chose domino's over sex. ARE YOU KIDDING ME?
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