I met a girl last nite that charged by the inch. i didnt have enough money but i figured shed be a good deal for u
I need to write the inventor of adderall a thank you note stapled to a copy of my degree
You should ask if we are margaritasing tomorrow. and yes i did just turn that into a verb
Just bought an airhorn. Bad things will happen.
I left two shots of jager for you guys when you wake up from your death. Do with it as you wish
Doing shrooms is fine until you get raped by curtains
I definitely think in addition to buying paint ball guns this summer we should invest in a breathalyzer. That way every drunk night turns into a competition, who can blow over the legal limit more. The loser gets shot while hungover. Shit goes hand in hand if you ask me.
did you just take a shot to penises and friendship?
If you've ever wondered what a shitshow is, just watch me at the bar on a Friday. Or Tuesday. Take your pick.
He's interpretive dancing to Crazy by Britney Spears and expressing his feelings for either me or the guy next to us
I shaved my entire vagina for a man who had the personality of a potato and a C- orgasm. Life is a series of disappointments.
I mean I'd assume the strange looks are on account of the fact that I'd imagine people normally don't stink of booze on an 8:14am flight.
I just found (and ate) a chunk of a reese's that fell between my boobs. Problem is that I finished those off 3 days ago in a drunk induced sob session... Has it really been that long since I changed my clothes?!
I now know he's been cheating for a while. I also know HER name, address, phone number, Facebook account, religion and zodiac sign. I feel like I'm earning my restraining order. Point is, never fuck over a librarian.
She was calling him Bob Saget and asking him to buy her shots....how do you think the night went?
Randomize
