woke up next to her writing my name in some journal. apparently she makes every guy she hooks up with sign out.
The only downside so far to having a guy roommate is that when he's doing a walmart run, I just can't bring myself to ask him to pick up a pregnancy test for me. I feel like that's just too much too soon.
you were sitting on the floor eating oats. how should i react?
I cant yet im literally covered in lube but I will later
I answered the door to some Jehovah Witnesses hungover and wearing nothing but a white tshirt. I think they made it the church goal to reform me, we've gotten four pamphlets. My mom's going to make me convert if they keep coming.
Saturday at 4 is jello wrestling sponsored by the senior class council. That's why my school is awesome. Boom.
Oh and my new excuse for not being able to hook up is cholera, feel free to use it
do you still have a key to my apartment? Without going into too much detail locked myself out naked on the patio, currently using a deck cushion to cover myself so kids walking home from school dont see me
Dude I'm riding a fucking tortoise this is awesome you should come with me more often
My plan to masturbate 34 times on my 34th birthday backfired. Do you still have those crutches?
If I win the contest of drinking the most water I get a chicken nugget.
Dude are you being arrested? I swear I just saw you laying on the hood of your car with a cop patting you down...
Fun fact. I just wrapped myself in wrapping paper for a sext. Is this a new high or a new low stay tuned.
There's a bull to ride and dancing on the bar is encouraged. This is my heaven. And this is why god made leopard tube tops.
Bruh. You offered the cashier tater tots that you had stuffed in your pocket.
Yeah, and? She might've been hungry.
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