the power's out. i'm smoking weed by flashlight
i wish i was dedicated to anything like you are to weed
You're the host. Of course you wear the diaper. It's like wearing the pants.
i just made my mom cry by blowing spit bubbles.
over or under 1pm before my bracket is too blurry to read?
new rule: cockblock me if I have had over a fifth of jack. no matter what.
threw up in a bar last night and got laid on an air mattress. my bucket list just got a lot shorter
Leaving the phone at home last night was the best decision I ever made.... Though I still managed to text her and now I have 2 phones...
My mom is holding a picture of me, crying, and saying "where did I go wrong" over and over again.
When the shrooms kicked in we both simultaneously realized we were not the right puzzle piece for the dubstep puzzle.
We made eye contact and were like we are not welcome here, the ravers are onto us and we need to get the fuck out before we get shuffled upon
He texted me at 2am telling me to come get my American flag from his place, if that's not code for sex idk what is
Dude at the bar last night came into the bathroom, drop kicked the stall open and start saying lines from happy Gilmore as he was shitting, "go in your home! Are you too good for your home?!"
I was just trying to be a good friend but in retrospect I probably shouldn't have pepper sprayed you.
Fell asleep on kitchen floor again, chicken nuggets everywhere.
If there's a nuclear war you can come over. I'll feed you soup and you can rig up car batteries to power the coffee pot and toaster. We can grow tomatoes and chickens.
Peru was great. He sent me a text after thanking me for my amazing morals which confused me but made me oddly proud...then he texted a correction. He meant my amazing oral. Sadly this Made me prouder. Fuck u bitches and ur morally inhibiting gag reflexes.
Randomize
