Do you think an esthetician would be willing to wax the Chanel Cs into my crotch? That way, whenever a guy gets ready to pound on it I can go "Careful, it's Chanel."
...., I just tried brushing my hair wothh a toothbrushg. fail
ps not my toothbrush awkward.
I swear if she hugs me I'm going to bleach my body
i am making flyers for the homeless letting them know about free chipolte day
I feel like royalty, that girl from last night had a vajazzled vag. Bucket list complete.
He was on Keeping Up with the Kardashians it was like a deed from god to bang him
considering I showed up there after a xanax, 2 bottles of champagne and some coke, no shirt and someone else s husband... I'm sure you can figure that one out.
Trial is expected to last a fucking week if I get chosen.
To be fair, you are the kind of person I want to be on the jury when I inevitably end up in front of one.
I'm unsure as to how you were able to snapchat me with your hands duck taped to beer, but I appreciated it nonetheless.
She stopped laughing and kind of stared at the wall for a while. Then she did 3 somersaults and said she saw jesus. This weed is fucking fantastic.
He was humming "here comes Peter cottontail" while unbuttoning his pants. Happy Easter to me
Why did you just send me a picture of your dinner?
CAUSE LOOK HOW MUCH SPAGHETTI I'M EATING
Last night I said "I'm so glad you broke up with your lesbian soccer mom girlfriend" I don't remember how he reacted I just remember trying to pee in the woods
It's time to run my sex life like a basketball team. Got the lesson Clint!
so, i take that as a legit invitation into his pants
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