Jason just peed on the potty all by himself!!
"omg awesome!, you do realize we aren't together anymore"
The girls stopped by my apartment. They caught me naked with a nearly empty bottle of vodka in one hand, drawing crop circles in the carpet with the vacuum.
Fuck appropriateness.
how do u look a man in the eye when u own both his daughters V-Cards?
They should make a Rosetta Stone that allows men to understand what the fuck women are actually trying to say.
Why doesn't the washer have a puke setting?
The weed is temporarily burning the grammar section of my brain library.
We woke up at 7:30am. We got a 30 rack, yelled at all the freshman shackers walkin back to their dorms, played a game of beer die, and boned all before 11:00am. I found my soulmate
well his attempt to make a white russian with instant coffee, gone off milk, and that weird probably illegal vodka we bought the other day isnt going well
I wouldn't call that a crush. It was more of a minor brain aneurism.
Hey douche face I just want you to know, if you ever got hit by a bus, I'd really miss you.
Only if you died obviously.
He hasn't responded in 6 hours and the last thing he sent me was a picture of 7 grams of coke. I'm getting kinda worried
I woke up to Elf. I don't know which one of you put that in my DVD player when I passed out but I appreciate you.
I've seen too many dicks in the past week. I can't do it anymore.
Jealous. I want an iud. Maybe there's a late night bodega that'll insert one for me
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