I just figured it out. Meghan has the same smile as Sylvester Stallone.
Who is John, and why is his named carved into our toilet?
I crashed her parents' car cause she was giving me road head. Its probably best to just let them think I'm a bad driver.
He is in the front yard trying to catch birds out of the air with a fishing net.
I can't be drunk. Sober yes. Drunk no. Spoonfuls
It's shit like that that makes me wish being deaf was contagious
I am getting drunk. And i'm going to paint my face and slide down the stairs like Pochahontas. Goodbye
he said something along the lines of "fish can smell fear"
I asked him how his night was and he sent me a picture of a bottle of Ciroc with a bendy straw...
I screamed so bad because I thought he was going for my sandwich forgetting it was in my hand
I found her in my pantry with her shirt off twerking...I tapped her on the shoulder and she said she was giving Chef Boyardee a show and to give her a minute...
I'm just like... Utterly amazed that we're still alive at this point. Who'da thunk it....
SShout out to Barney the Dinosaur for teaching me how to sing the ABCs backward. I just scored a free pitcher.
sam was dropping a deuce next to me. wrote me a note that said "glad we shared this experience." passed it under the wrong stall. the other guy picked it up. that's all I know so far.
Had a job interview today. Walked into the room and said "IT'S GO TIME, BITCHES".
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