My drunk dialing habit needs to go. My drunk habit can stay though.
Be careful down there, Shane may have pooped on the carpet.
i am pregamming alone in my car. scale of 1-10 how alcoholic is that
im pretty sure thats an 11
thank you for letting me use your house as a brothel.
I bet it kind of sucks while you do community service I'm getting blown in the shower. haha
Wow. I feel like a bad friend. My fuckbuddy wished you a happy birthday before I did. The reality of that just hit me.
I may or may not have just hot boxed a backhoe on the construction site of a police station that's being rebuilt..
As pissed as she was, you would've thought I was trying to get back into his pants instead of his booze collection.
Yeah, I fucked him. and the worst part is his name was Jesus. And nobody said it in Spanish. Just Jesus. There is no way I can avoid burning when I walk into a church from now on.
And I made some girl take out the trash, load and unload the dishwasher, swifter, and clean the counters. So don't act like I don't do anything.
I love that you'd blow off your high school reunion to get shit faced in an aquarium with us
Um. We all know how I feel about sea life
Meeting him up for him to pay half of the Plan B was awkward but worth it cause I'm broke as fuck
Typical Sunday morning text...are you alive?
He took a shot of vodka and AND ATE ME OUT AS A CHASER. YESSS. I AM IN LOVE.
You wouldn't eat with utensils. You insisted on making your own spoon out of a bendy straw and staples while singing "I'm a survivor" by Destiny's Child.
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