Please forgive me. I will pay for your emergency room visit.
apparently i'm not the first person wake up and realize she's ugly cuz i tore this house apart and there is no sign of my clothes
it was like his penis was on wheels.
He came in looking for condoms, iced coffee, and a gas tank. I need to be where he's going.
Fuck him for salsa, please. I heard its a good recipe.
Alright. I will breast feed the first person to get here.
first party of the semester tomorrow. thinking of wearing a huge sign that says "my summer was good" to avoid the 67 questions and get straight to drinking
You know when you can feel the alcohol in your toes? That's a great feeling.
You overflowed the toilet cuz you tried to flush apples. you said they were singing too loudly
230 lb girl across the train from me is giving a dude in a kilt a handjob while he sits in her lap
just found out I was hugging strangers at the bar last night. there's photographic evidence. I know none of them
Woke up pants less in the vacant apartment across the hall. It was unlocked because they were showing it to someone. When they walked in I woke up and said "this is a great place to live" and walked out
Idk if I should be worried or amused that my autocorrect changes the word STD to DTF.
Ever since I got to LA my dream self has been having sex with way too many rabbi's.
Im so drunk and the cops showed up so i ran on all 4's through the woods because i had no shoes hoping they would mistake me for a fox
Randomize
