Passing las posas road. In a world of pain. Im trying to piss in a bottle through the hole in my crotch. I wish i had a bigger dick.
you would not believe what I got pierced last night...
son, I feel like that is a phrase a father never wants to hear.
I just jerked off and used a stopwatch to track my results. Pretty depressing on multiple fronts.
I put bits of fruit cocktail in the jello shots i made because i knew that they were gonna be the only thing we ate all day
That number that I thought was that dude's number...was actually my district manager's number. Fuckkkk.
Was I at least a good cuddler? Like at least honorable mention?
Strip clubs it is bday boy. One condition. I am in full custody of your ID. I plan on being in no condition to coordinate rescue operations and we need to keep casualties to a minimum. You cannot be trusted.
Alright goddamnit. Can I bring my pirate hat?
I insist.
I'm so glad you support me having casual sex with your uncle
Today's hangover is probably top 3 of all time. Just threw up in an envelope. I'm on the ferry and didn't want to get out to puke over the side because I thought I might fall in the river.
A stranger came up to me, pointed at my drink and asked what it tasted like and proceeded to chug half of it and then walked away.
He's attempting to seduce me with thanksgiving-themed sexual metaphors... It's working.
Where are you and why are you fighting with a bird?
Decided to stay in tonight. Completely sober. Just got two drunken booty calls within 5 minutes of each other. This is my life.
I just drunkenly emailed my feminist dissertation as a resignation letter for my call center job. What am I doing with my life!?
Try me, you 5'5 gremlin
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