First off: I'm drunk so fuck you. Second: you weren't a bad girlfriend. Tres: thats 3 in spanish. Number 4: fuck 3 Doors Down
i have a reoccuring irrational fear i'm going to walk in on my dad masterbating. Night.
believe me... letting the man that delivered you from your mother's vagina do shots off your stomach is really fucking awkward.
I think throwing up in my her purse is probably why we broke up
im seconds away from chugging that vodka and preforming the surgery on myself.
It just hurt to pee because he was fingering for fucking gold in there.
If I don't end up being a booty call for Valentine's Day, you wanna go to the movies?
No, I know her type. Tall, lanky, uses teeth when giving head, and runs like a giraffe. Don't do it man..
Not only is he in the circus, the man survived a near death experience and has an accent. She might as well have found a unicorn. This shit just doesn't happen in real life. Where did she meet this magical creature?
Have bite marks on my arm where my temporary tat was Saturday night. Did someone try to bite Captain America or something?
One of the many mysteries surrounding the weekend...
I may or have may not just taken a swig out of a jar of alfedo sauce in my fridge. Dont judge me
I FEEL LIKE HILARY MUST FEEL WHEN TRUMP MANSPLAINS AT HER
Don't tell me I can do whatever makes me happy while also saying I have to put on pants.
Do you remember telling those ppl that they need to mate and give you the baby and in 15 years you will all reunite and it will be a party?
I blacked out after the piñata full of condoms
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