Just found my mom passed out in my bed holding a bag of wine. Not sure if I'm ashamed or proud.
Nothing like hearing a USA chant while getting head. God bless America.
Yes. I feel like complaining about sex all the time with a 21 year old might be punishable by death of the sex gods so I try not to
I'm pretty sure my liver died in Reno and my intestines are doing hula hoops around my asshole. The bachelor party was that good.
my neighbors having band practice on sunday morning is a message from the universe that I should stop drinking
I was convinced to buy a man thong.
But it's Armani so it's okay.
God I just out gayed myself.
Only you would have a vasectomy while you're awake and report on the soundtrack first
I told you, I'm taking a sledgehammer to your walls. Fuck your walls.
I'm Batman.
Can we make 2014 the year of no unsolicited dick pics?
He just pulled a Spanish chick using google translate!!!! We are at the bar and she speaks zero English. Hes a fucking magician!!!!!!
I just pulled a seven inch black hair out of my ass. Pretty sure that means we're dating now
We share an apartment, weed and genitals. It's called being practical not in love.
There is a video of you making out with him, flipping off the camera, and holding the plastic flamigo that you had just stolen out of a yard
DO NOT PREHEAT THE OVEN THIS MORNING! WE STARTED USING IT AS A WINE STASH AROUND MIDNIGHT.
totally just bought a bottle of gin with nothing but change
don't ever let anyone tell you that youre not 100% class
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