So tired and we had a cokehead in the salon today making us bleach her whole head because she thought it would let her pass her drug test for custody of her kid
Oh.My.God.
in jail i did the beyonce ass shake for the police officers & called Sally from my collect phone in my cell & started singing "im in JAAAIL IM IN JAAAIL",
Yea...but the guy who is beating me has a ponytail. So actually, I'm the winner here.
I called the bar to ask if they found my Id and credit card and they remembered me as 'the girl who signed her receipt in blood'
My lips are sealed. Both pairs.
I needed that adderall to break my tradition of passing out at the bar on Sundays
But I'll just tell people it was a bar fight... Sounds a lot better than "well I was drunk and alone and eating Special K naked in my bed"
i may or may not be making depth charges with cough syrup. i'll call you if i survive.
Denim handjobs are the worst handjobs. I hate all handjobs. Why do people even.
Would you be so kind as to inform your husband that my truck is forever cursed by mashed potatoes and it's his fault.
Someone had to wrestle her in the chocolate pool, I'm glad I was man enough to step up and do it
I guess you could say the date didn’t go so well since I was drunkenly Snapchatting with my ex by the end of it.
Okay everything with a penis is officially dead in my eyes
He's stripped out of his boxers and is dancing and slapping his dick with string cheese...I don't know whether to call for help or take a video.
I am playing in the snow in my bunny outfit. GET OVER HERE
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