Pretty sure I left lotion and my bra in your car. I've secured your fathers belief that your straight. You can thank me later
No its cool, because I bought a handle of tequila earlier, in case things went south
He said he forgot to take his shoes off, and that he was a bad boy because he was walking on the carpet. Then he sang. Then he shouted "I'M STILL FORGETTING."
I should not be in class today. For the professors sake.
Selling drugs in raindeer antlers is the best way to spread christmas cheer
I'm stealing this baby.
Well I always support illegal activity but where would you put it?
She's legally too young to drink and was making out with a guy who is ethically too old to drink.
Do normal couples celebrate occasions naked with Chicken McNuggets and BBQ sauce?
I've broken 3 vibrators in the past month because I apparently am "too rough" with them. Is that even possible?!
Dude come over...were drunk and I'm holding a T-shirt gun and discovered beer cans are the same size as rolled shirts.
I can't dude. Last time I was there, I blew the bartender in the bathroom at last call.
I'm actually on the verge of cancelling a booty call because I have an early meeting tomorrow. If this is what adulthood is going to be like, I'll pass.
Omg dude take a shower. You'll feel like god washed away all the sinful shit we did last night.
She totals her lexus and all she wants is to have crazy wild sex.
Officially hit an ultimate low today. I was so hung-over I threw up on the ground in front of the jousting display in the London tower. But on a positive note, Brits are very understanding when you vomit on their history.
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