remember that night jesus turned water into wine? DRUNKER.
and then you made a playlist that was just "party in the usa" on repeat...
so the party was at my house but some how i ended up being the only one who slept outside
My mom just admitted you were a good looking kid & if you weren't my friend & 30 years older she would do you. I'm going to commit suicide.
Decided in my tanked state last night purchase 2 weeks worth of xanax, so I can guess my way thru this week and finals. Soberly, I decided it would be a great way to test my knowledge of finance.
"I'm gonna wax that ass" was the successful pick up line used on me last night. Clearly I had a few too many cause it worked..
Apparently after I threw up I put my socks in the toilet......
When a best friend shows up on a tricycle with a case a beer and goes "get on loser" you get on, because there is a magical adventure afoot
He talked for 3 hours straight on how his dad is a dentist how fuck do you think my night was
Your cock has been in the back of my throat. Co-worker is no longer a sufficient title. Fix that shit ASAP
we turned the lights off and all you could see were my glow in the dark stars and his penis
I was going to say that I wasn't sure how that happened... but then I remembered that I bonded with the Australians over vitamins and INXS and they bought me tequila.
Someone called asking about the gate code and I said "hashtag" for # instead of "pound." Ugh. I feel so dirty.
Mom saw my dick pic over my gf's shoulder. She told her she really should've had me circumcised.
I often worry that if I get famous, people from my past will recognize me and start talking to the media
Randomize
