Look I'm sorry I shaved your cat, but get over it.
I just got a 45 minute blow job...she literally sucked the single life outta me.
u sound so gay right now
260 beers this month. I need a new hobby.
we knew you were done when they played It's All Coming Back To Me Now by Celine Dion and you started crying
I'm sorry I dragged a dildo (on a leash) into your room last night.
I'm pretty sure whiskey overrules bulimia in the eyes of Texas boys
Not sure. We'll pass out on that bridge when we stumble to it.
The cops said we could pay $250 or spend the night in jail and get 2 free meals. I might pee in mail-boxes more often
Frats are adorable. They make mediocre guys think they're worth a shit.
...the American dream.
Did you blow the guy you weren't supposed to hook up with again in the bathroom of pita pit? Cause that happened last night...
Yea I've gotten enough hickeys in my life to know what I'd look like with a neck tattoo. I think I'm getting a neck tattoo.
It was right before we played jenga with champagne glasses for a good half hour
do you ever wish you could like, jerk your heart off and be, like, emotionally satisfied? it'd feel like cuddling.
I tried to bring you in when you passed out on the porch but all you said was that I "ruined your hope ands dreams of becoming an astronaut"
Sitting naked in my bed eating leftover Mexican food drinking coors light.. Can it get any more single than this?
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