He's not gay. He just has bad gaydar and he gaydared himself and was wrong.
highlight of my day: just saw a crying girl get dropped off at home wearing only socks, booty shorts, and a dirty wifebeeter. I wonder what happened to the costume...
so my 6 year old came home from school and asked me if he was a bastard cause the kids at school called him one, i told him to call them a clit. those parents will hate me
Im so hungover that my 6 year old cousine made me aspirine and coffee out of playdoh...
If you don't remember anything tomorrow, this is to remind you that you asked me in secret to build a bobsled with you and re-enact Cool Runnings.
There appears to be a lake on my nightstand. As usual, I should not be considered a suspect. Together, we will find out who did this.
At this point the smell of shame has become my natural musk
I got eye-fucked by an 80 year old man wearing a cowboy hat while I was singing country. How do you think karaoke went?
I'd like to believe that in some alternate universe we are living this wonderful lesbian life together..
I just got home and someone ate all my chicken nuggets. Bitches be asking for a death sentence?
For the first time in my 26 years of life, I'm washing jizz out of my ponytail.... High five yourself later.
You walked up to me, grabbed my face and said "I just peed in the sink!"
Tom just texted me he's Tindering from his hospital bed while they're running heart tests on him.
That's dedication to the game.
sometimes i just have a bad day n consider lowering my standards
Are you coming over for scrambled eggs and hand jobs?
Randomize
