You're gonna have to start calling my house phone from now on
How come?
Cuz 'Dad' looked pretty similar to the word Dane when i sent that picture message
If i could bang her from 80ft away, I would
apparently he couldn't remember my name so he refereed to me as whats-her-boobs and everyone knew that it was me he was talking about
Can you explain to me why I woke up with my hands tied to the hotel bed with the phone cord???
1. Sorry about making it snow. 2. If it left a mess, I will be over to clean it. 3. Can that fire extinguisher still be used? If not, I'll buy a new one. 4. I just wanted to make it snow!
She walked in on her brother jacking off and she hasn't been the same since. She's been crying and shaking non-stop. It's been two weeks.
did you come by the house last night? I found a half eaten corn dog in the mail box.. I just figured you were drunk and needed somewhere to crash, but your no where to be found. I'll I have is this corn dog. call me when you get this. I'm worried! --mom
Fuck yeah GAYNESS
*explodes into glitter*
But I mean how many guys can say they get blow jobs and grilled cheese with football
He wanted me to choke him with my feet. So now I feel obligated to start writing my memoir
That portion can talk about stepping out of your comfort zone and how it can potentially kill people
I'm gonna have to shit in a bar again tonight
wtf guys I thought we agreed on no more knives. So much for not destroying the house
Plus we had to have sex before the game because there is a good chance we won’t be speaking for the rest of the week. #ironbowl
I can't wait to see you again. It will be like when we first started dating- but with less clothes.
I haven’t been this excited since I found out they sold cases of Jack Daniels.
Randomize
