I lined up everyone's pillows and I'm playing Evel Knievel when I jerk off later.
I guess she didn't feel like it. There was hair all over it and everything
I spiked my fruit smoothie. Taking bikini season diet to a whole new level
i'm not sure when i reached "slam my own hand in the door" status but my half attached fingernail is not grateful.
Why are you speaking in third person?
Because I'm so hungover that I don't even want to be myself anymore.
You know why nobody comes up with Sober October? Other than it's Oktoberfest? Because Sober October doesn't benefit anyone, just like your judgment isn't benefiting me. I'll talk to you in November. Unless you make up another alcoholless month.
The sex was so good I went temporarily numb. Slightly embarrassing when she pointed out I was kissing my own arm.
She has a tattoo on her inner thigh that's an x with a long dotted line. So after she passed out I signed it. Dunno what else I was supposed to do...
He's freaking out just because my cat licked his balls while he was fucking me
Whenever I'm hungover I try to stay in public as much as possible, hoping to be a cautionary tale to children. It's a public service, really.
Hold on - sidebar. My best friend just threw a 40 pack of condoms through my window.
There's mini weenies and empanadas everywhere...
I'm 10 cats away from completing my post divorce transformation.
I'm not sure how long my penis is exactly, but I will tell you it resembles a bendy straw
Can you get winded from lip syncing? I don't know how Britney does it
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