I puked the same amount of times as the number of bars i went to last night
I just stuffed five dollars in my near empty box of camels to remind myself to buy more. And my mom says I don't budget my money
you need to not memorize your credit card number for drunk pizza
Her boobs are too amazing to be looking at my dick. I'm even ashamed.
you were on ground yelling about how close the floor was to your face.
Just saw a field sobriety test being administered at 730 am, I now know I do not have a drinking problem
Just spent the last 5 minutes laughing at my epipen. i think i'm too high.
Just walked into the bar to find a guy in a Boba Fett helmet leaning casually against the wall, texting. This night just got real.
How can someone be so bad at fingering? It's such a simple concept
So you're mad that you saw a penis at a swinger's party? That's rational
You reeked of guilt and shame and we offered you pancakes
She referred to my balls as rotund and handsome
Yeah last night got weird fast. No lie, a kid pulled a butt-plug with a tail out of his ass.
You're up at 3AM, right? I have a very important question.
You know the Wendy's on route 6, by Kohls? Do you know if it has a drive through?
Yes it does.
This Cougar is looking at me like I’m a piece of meat and buying me top shelf cocktails
I’m getting a fear boner thinking about what she might do to me
Randomize
