That's what you get when you play shuffleboard drunk.
I hate ducks.
What?
they're sketch. like squirrels. squirrels are sketch as fuck.
Was it a mistake telling him I couldn't get the abortion until I was 2 months along on the first date?
so my phone autocorrects 'retard' to 'retaaahd'. i LOVE being a masshole!
In Canada she would be a 10 but here in America she's only a 7
When she gives birth, I'm so playing 'Eye of the Tiger'
stumble upon led me to how to make wine in prison, followed by wedding dresses. it knows my life too well
The bar owner gave me permission to push people into the pool. I'm never going to leave Los Angeles
It's so hard to find a shirt to wear out that is easily taken off, cut off my paramedics, but says "I'm a grown, respected woman"
Why does She think it's her duty to welcome in freshman through the welcome mat that is her vagina
He put oyster crackers in his ramen noodles. Is that a thing? Because holy shit I had never thought of it before and if it's not a thing he's my new stoner hero for discovering it.
Breaking into his house to steal the sheets I'd drunk pissed on before he got home was not how I wanted to be spending spring break
I balled in the shower for 20 minutes, rolled up to the meeting late looking like a gremlin, and my one night stand was standing there in a suit
They have one of those claw machines here... with a dildo in it...
Grabbed the cop's ass and he still arrested Heather instead. Victory is mine!!
Randomize
