Dude. I just woke up without a shirt or bra on. Apparently I fell asleep with a quesadilla in my mouth. I can feel my liver hating me.
I need a sticker that says "It's no use hitting on me - I'm the plus one" Seriously, how do they think I got in in the 1st place?
legit been throwing up since 7am. told my parents the two bowls of puke in my dorm were soup
mimosa in my stainless steel water bottle. going green is not that bad.
We're official. Living with your boyfriend sounds so much better than fucking your roommate.
All I remember is taking a bath, puking in the bath water numerous times while trying to wash myself and I must of eventually given up
Some dude just came up to me and stroked my beard, smiled and left. Shave?
Well yea but it's the principle of the thing.. The fact that he could actually BE your daddy
so according the 72 facebook statuses i put up last night that i don't recall, i would say it was a success. how about you?
so...the lady doing my pedi totally noticed the human bite marks on my calf. Who says marriage ends your sex life? Love u!
But can mardi gras accurately capture the essence of my tiny rage?
there is a guy with a glowstick staff outside my house
So, my eyeglasses somehow ended up in my nightstand drawer and they're covered in lube.
Our breakfast options are microwave popcorn, wavy lays and fireball
Did I literally just offer a blowjob for help moving? Yes. Yes, I did.
Randomize
