a smallpox vaccine scar is like a lower back tattoo.
Holy cold harsh reality of sobriety batman
We decided to go to McDs, but we only had a few minutes to make it to breakfast. We were sprinting full speed ahead when she tripped and you just yelled 'LEAVE HER' and kept your course.
Fell down a spiral staircase. Et tu vodka. Et tu.
Just so you know there's a random man downstairs knocking on a door with a dozen roses and a 30 pack of beer. Unattractive or not, I'm inviting him in.
I don't know what's happening. Everyone is wearing beaks.
You need to come over. I cant get her to stop eating honey mustard straight from the squeeze bottle
If I'm not up by 8, will you please knock on my door?
That depends, can you stop texting me while you're masturbating?
Touche.
I CAN STILL HEAR YOUR VIBRATOR.
I want him in the "you're a terrible idea and are probably going to get me killed by my parents, my siblings, and my boyfriend" way
You don't realize it's a small world until your ex girlfriend's dad unintentionally messages you on grindr..what.the.fuck.
After we drank 3, we built a raft out of the empties and installed the fourth submerged In the water to keep it cool. Keg boats are now a thing
Where can I buy a stripper pole at midnight on a Sunday?
I climbed up on the tank of the toilet so I could take a slo-mo vid of myself pissing into the garbage can, but the base of the toilet shattered and I had to bail.
He serenaded me say anything-style with Weird Al songs and then blew me on the beach. I'd say he's a keeper.
The dentist walked in on me trying to bottle some laughing gas to take home with me. That high.
Randomize
