"The real world" DC house is on the corner of 20th and S. Wanna come with to check it out? It's my goal to be a blurred out face in their hot tub.
I am going to get arrested. I am yelling fuck repeatedly, wearing a Bird jersey and polka dot pants while pounding wine. Amazing mug shot to follow.
My piss changed color midstream. Think that means I have a 50/50 chance of passing the test?
Obama is so hot when he ends wars.
I'm pretty sure you thought I could absorb alcohol through my dress
i wish you were under my bed. you sexy russian fur trapper.
please. text the right number. youve been sending me these all night.
I'm pretty sure I had my drunk fortune told by a gay Miss Cleo last night. At least it's advice sober me can agree with.
He's like a fucking cake pop, the greatest thing in the world while it lasts, but it never lasts for long enough
On celebration of the Supreme Court ruling I feel it is our patriotic duty to have a threesome
I made a joke about The Hemingway being a really boring sex position where you blandly describe all the action and then kill yourself after you orgasm. He stopped responding. I've GOT to stop talking to everyone like they're you.
Does your Fitbit monitor your liver failure?
UGH I HATE BEING THIS WAY IM GOING TO GO HUG THE CACTUS YOU GOT ME
I got fucked in a bat mobile this morning. Being slutty rules.
We just did a u turn on the highway to settle a dispute in a game of slug bug
It actually wasn't the first time that a guy I just met ate me out in the back seat of his car in a starbucks parking lot in the middle of the day.
Randomize
