I just saw a hot homeless man
And I just threw up at the table during Mother's Day Brunch.
I woke up and my panties were thumbtacked to his wall. Out of my reach.
dude, osama threatened the US again
dude. i slept with your sister last night
what?
I saw that as an opertune moment to drop some big news
I feel like ignoring a facebook event is a lot like a pocket-veto. The only difference is instead of opposing legislation, I don't want to go to your sketchy party.
Update: Discussing lingerie with my father. He likes sheer black things. Not into the colorful stuff I wear.
The smartest thing I've heard Obama do is call Kayne West a jackass
he said he wanted to butter my pancake. i thought it was sexual, but he went downstairs and made pancakes. i need to stop dating fat guys.
we were canoeing in the lake and i asked if he was too drunk for this, and he said "don't worry about it, i'm half native american"
Stole every fake plant from the lobby and placed it in front of you're apartment door, Enjoy!
Now I can say "look me up on Pornhub."
I think the saddest part about my sex life is that most of it is pity sex.
It's days like today, when my bra and underwear match, that make me feel like I'm getting my life together...
I just need some of your time and all of your body.
I ate her out and told her she tasted like pumpkin pie. She screamed that she hated pumpkins and started to cry
Randomize
