Omg. If Ina Garten Makes roast chicken one more time im going to strangle her with her white button down
I've never seen so many strippers at a funeral...
Of course I'm not above using aladdin and pot to get laid, this is america
I misunderstood what a furry was. Come pick me up.
So I'm sitting at my desk and Thunderstruck came on my iPod. I then proceeded to drink coffee every time I heard thunderstruck. Who says you don't remember anything from college?
When theres a zombie apocalypse, i will be the only fat survivor. I ate chef boyardi ravioli with part of a pen for a fork
The two of us decided to throw a spur-of-the-moment parade and the next thing I know we're 4 miles down the road being followed by 65 drunk strangers
I look like a bag of dicks so if you could ugly yourself up that'd be great.
I feel like I should acknowledge that I see you as a human and not a ragdoll sex object
I knew he was a classy dude because when I told him my name was Jen he said "Gin? Like Gin & Juice?"
I know I say this every year but 2015 will be the year I finally have sex with David's sister
Morning fuck and a coffee. ARE YOU READY TO CONQUER THE GALAXY WITH ME??
I can't believe just smoked out of a pear
I can't believe you had a pear already made to smoke out of, that was impressive
Would you say that skipping class and sitting alone in my room singing One Direction to myself and sobbing is an acceptable way to deal with the break-up
His dog hid my thong. Let me tell you, the last thing you want during a commando mini skirt walk of shame is lots of wind. There’s a church congregation that knows all my business
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