tfor prom could you pick me up wo bottles of champagne and a condom, please?
every time i get drunk at her place i end up leaving with nothing but an empty box of toaster strudels..
You know its bad when convincing your mother you were masturbating is the better alternative
he also begged me to fake an orgasm when he couldn't get me to come.
If you ever find a dick that big chop it off and bring it to me.
I have been sober for so long that I miss hangovers... what is happening to this summer?
The plan was to get laid... Now the plan is to survive.
We dug deep emotionally while eating cereal
No more weed for you
I was woke up by the fucking Star Spangled Banner this morning. I sat up in bed and put my hand over my naked heart. I was so confused
The only thing I like when I am high is sex. And Cheez Its. But mostly sex.
Is it rude to say "I hate you because you live inside Hillary Clinton's asshole"?
Is it sacrilegious to take tequila shots on Saint Patrick's day?
I love you as a roommate, but you GOTTA start using the door dude..
Theres about 23 grilled cheese sandwiches stuck to my ceiling and tomato soup all over the kitchen. You are never allowed over again. Ever.
Come as you are, bitch. Glitter and vodka provided.
Randomize
