Went to the doctors. She saw my " I love beer" tattoo. All she said was " My drunken tat is of just one word. "Cornnuts.". Then said Mexico was "awesome." And sent me on my way. Yeah. She's my favorite doctor.
she said and I quote "NO SOUP FOR YOU!!!" and closed her legs.
Seeing a catheter being inserted into a penis severely diminished my sex life
There's a mirror laying face down next to me. A looooong full body mirror. By the looks of it it fell off the wall last night and was within centimeters of shattering on my head. Awesome.
I just watched a girl in the library pull a vodka bottle out of her bag. I think I'm going to give her my number.
Well I almost walked away with an Irish guy's boarding pass and some south guy's dignity
I have a very hazy flashback of me making out with a guy in a seashell bra??! Can you confirm or deny
I had another sex dream about you but it was very dissatisfying. As you finished you starting singing the star spangled banner. then you left. I was not amused.
she just nodded and said "yeah, I'd fuck him for a reese's peanut butter cup". it's so nice to know I'm not the biggest whore living here
Sorry bud. Having a shitty day because the GF broke up with my wife and I. We really liked her too
He's so vague sometimes. Like dude, we've been friends for 3 years. I don't need you to be vague, I need you to be inside of my vagina.
it's like that moment that you're driving and realize you're lost except instead of driving i'm just sitting here in my living room drunk, eating a plate of sausages, drinking red wine and just thinking "i'm going to be 28 this year. i know people who are married, with beautiful and well behaved children. where was the wrong turn?"
He plays D&D and his dick should be carved out of marble. I think I'm in love.
hypothetically, what's the best method to remove an stray semen gob from a roommate's important school document?
He just looks like he'd be good in bed. He looks like he has a lot of anger built up in him and all I'm saying is that if he took out on my vagina I'm cool with that
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