i said send nudes i get bra and panties. thats not what i fucking asked for.
That chode just called off the engagement. I just dropped his toothbrush in the toilet. And I’ve forgotten to take my birth control for the past two weeks. He’s fucked!
They should make a Rosetta Stone that allows men to understand what the fuck women are actually trying to say.
She refers to my dick as princess Sarah... oddly I'm okay with that.
I sent out a mass text that said "margaritas for Jesus?" and nobody responded, worst Easter ever.
He asked me if I could call his penis destroyer... Uhh SOS.
I think I reached optimum potential when I summersaulted straight into a kiddie pool.
No, earlier you attempted Jenga with everyones shoes.
then you said,"Take this damn cabbage!" although it was actually your shirt. i found you in the elevator of his building.
Let me put it this way - if I had a list of things I would like between my legs, she would rank below the cello I turned into firewood sophomore year.
How are ur friends?
One is peeing in the grass and the other is asleep under the stairs. Fuck them I'm sleeping in the car
Trying to ignore the fact that a kid I hooked up with twice just gave me spare keys to his house ... and car.
No, it's cool, I just bounced from the hospital. I was...talking to a security guard, maybe?
Saw the same Luigi I hooked up with last Halloween. Still in his same Luigi costume and scruff that hurt my face
we dropped acid in chinatown. worst. idea. ever. too many colors. and nobody has any idea where steve is.
If all that ever happens between us is orgasms and dank memes, I think I'd be okay with that.
Randomize
