my mom just called and warned me someone is trying to serve me, i feel like i'm playing an extreme game of hide and go seek these next weeks
Just beat my spinning in office chair record. Almost puked. Totally worth it.
She's been drinking and was roller blading. I'm sure you can do the math
the night got glorious when you tried to do an upside down keg stand with a near empty key and dropped it on your face
I think I was using my hair to catch my vomit last night.
You were.
I hooked up with a guy dressed as Justin Timberlake, while dressed as Britney Spears. Fuck Jessica Biel, all my 90's dreams are coming true.
Fuck away man. Like 3% of these new people will be back next week. This is the best week of the year to slam bitches at the gym.
I saw that you sent me a photo and the first thing out of my mouth was "I swear if it's another photo of a dick poking out of a bubble bath"
I'm running on two hours of sleep, a shot of vodka, and half of a granola bar. I can't be held responsible for what I do.
Ladies and gentlemen, the only person I know who would keg stand in pearls and a bow.
This is what happens when you leave: I get all vulnerable and I make out with the cowboy to shut him up about Jesus.
No, gay couples have the same problems straight ones do; I wish that we could go back to the days when he would shit with the door closed.
went out to hit golf balls, ended up doing splits at the bar. you're a bad influence.
Dude, seriously, fucking stop introducing me as "Thomas, with the dick piercing." you are the worst wingman ever.
New rock bottom. Woke up at 7 am fully clothed in a bathtub full of water. I hate myself.
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