Got a toothbrush?
I finally had kitchen counter sex! i was so excited
Apparently last night I sat at the bar with an upside down sharpie lightning bolt on my forehead, yelling "It's Harry Potter's birthday! Let me be on the qudditch team!" And I kept calling the bartender Dobby. There are videos.
He was crying to my sister about feeling like a bad person. Then he groped my breasts.
While you were in the ER we decided to tailgate in the parking lot until security told us that's not allowed.
So "Abstinence August" was a bust. Maybe I'll try for "Sex-free September" or "Only if we're facebook official October"
I woke up naked in my bathtub at 5:30 this morning. There's legit a spray tan body print of me in the fetal position in my tub.
Are you coming to the bday night? i'll be doing a life-like reenactment of traveling through Bonnie's vaginal canal and taking my first breath of life. Don't think you'll want to miss it.
I can bring a slip n slide and curtains.
In case you were wondering how drunk I was last night, there was an unopened slim Jim in front of my door and I ate it.
He was feeling me up but acting like he was asleep. Like WTF does that mean??
I mentioned the porn thing he mentioned a brother it all kinda just came together
I never thought I'd end up with a prison pen pal through tinder
No no no, work drunk and day drunk are totally different. I got drunk with a client and made a huge sale at 1pm. You are still in your PJs and jacking off.
I have blood and BBQ sauce all over my shirt. I blame you for the blood.
I'm having to shit out rocks
Randomize
