she said i have a nice penis, i told her only bob saget and god could judge that.
Rosebud was a fucking sled. Gay.
Explain to me how it was that you spent the entire night playing pool with three lesbians and did not get a foursome out of it.
Just now remembered singing Trashy Women at the reception. Not karaoke, just sang along with the mic I stole from the DJ. All while still in my dress drinking champagne from the bottle
Sprained my ankle at sky zone REST ICE COMPRESSION ELEVATION AND SHOTS it'll all feel better soon
Is "when in doubt date the guy with the bigger dick" a good philosophy?
As the bouncer was escorting you out, you yelled "keep your filthy dick beaters off me!"
I have to call my new boss to accept the job offer so you have pack the bowl while I pretend I'm a responsible adult THEN we can get high
Well that's what you get for messing around with her vagina. I told you it was a fickle and insatiable creature.
I met a gypsy today. She told me my soul animal was an owl and says she will now remember me as "Owl Girl".
Fuck it, if you can't drink cheep beer and whiskey with me, I don't want you.
You have got to be the only man who has passed out while getting a lap dance.
I swear to god if you settle for a trump supporting packers fan, I will not acknowledge your children. You're better than that.
Do you remember what happened last night? All I could find we're phone numbers of strip clubs in Detroit. Did we go to Detroit?
I'm really sorry I called you a "smug, arrogant, boyfriend-fucking piece of defecation". I was super drunk.
I was going to be mad, but then I remembered you don't use autocorrect and spelled everything correctly and I was kinda impressed.
Randomize
