i wanna do a homemade sex video in sepia and pretend were in the early 20th c
He tried to pick up a girl by telling her about his homosexual experience in high school.
just brushed my teeth with a bottle of jack. ew. not all it's hyped up to be.
My doctor just informed me that my food allergies qualify me for a medical marijuana license. I get it on Tuesday. It won't help at all, but my life is awesome!
First of all...stop making excuses. Second of all...Fuck the surgeon generals warning
he matches the description of mystery hookup #2, 4, and 7
Getting business cards printed for tonight. Would you rather be: 1. Vice President of Argentina 2. Celebrity Dental Assistant or 3. Dial-Up Internet Technician
3. Dial-Up Internet Technician.
You asked for 4 things: your phone, your wallet, your keys and your denture. I stopped asking questions.
Why does your place smell like gin and misery?
I prefer to think of it as 'ode to single life'
He forehead kissed me AND THEN asked what I was thinking. I'm taking away his man card.
Now I have to go back and sober fuck him. For science.
I finally got my restraining order in the mail. Was that supposed to upset me? I'm just over here like "TELLEM BOY BYE!-\nlegally..."
The box said 94% effective prevention of pregnancy if used correctly but God knows I’m not gonna use it right so let’s adjust that to like a 70%
he bought me ice cream then took me home and fucked the shit outta me. you can't write this kinda romance.
If it's any consolation she turned out to be has a collection of clown dolls she talks to crazy. And the cops knew why I was calling when she key locked the door from inside.
Randomize