The guy in front of me in line at Starbucks looks kinda like Danica Patrick except he has a huge boner.
I don't think my ego could take a straight man out-cooking me.
Try denying you're gay when "I'm Not A Girl, But Not Yet A Woman" comes on Shuffle.
ugh i can't even wear this perfume anymore. it just brings back blurry memories of blowjobs and regret.
she made a facebook for her toddler.. his likes include lil wayne and ice luge. He has more friends than i do. I mean, Seriously? there's not enough booze in the world to make thanksgiveing bearable
So the guy who is making our IDs is in jail now for attempted murder, with no bail...
So no fakes?
I want "hickeys on my ass" sex
You told the cop FUCK YOU AND YOUR TASER, i dont think he appricaited that
There really needs to be a redbox for wine because I want some but too lazy to walk into a store
Do you remember peeing in the sink while I was throwing up?
No ma'am, I do not. I found a video of us trying to do a trust fall though. Emphasis on the trying.
i refuse to give everyone the satisfaction of seeing the results of my acting on my thoughts
She had a tattoo of Luke Bryan on her thigh and she made me waffles. Can I have two fiancees?
So I told him "To answer your question yes I am naked making pizza pops in your kitchen"
I mean, I've had her boob in my mouth, but is that romance?
1. Everyone on the 1st and 3rd floor heard you. 2. The 3rd floor vibrates when we have sex. 3. The 1st floor can hear the bed squeak.
Randomize
