I just saw the host of Singled Out do standup. Holy shit 1995.
i want to major in coloring with an emphasis on crayons.
so finals studying is going well?
Look what our sorority has done to us...we're hitting on girls in hopes of getting an awesome little.
come to Starbucks. I'm the fat girl eating a whole pizza sitting on the ground
The first aid guy just told us to go get hammered...I'm taking his advice
Just took an adderall with a shot of tequila while doing my makeup in the parking lot at work before I go in. I'm also late. They're so lucky to have me.
It turns out tequila bombs is really code for straight shots of tequila…who would have guessed?
Today needs to die. The mail delivery guy watched me throw up in my yard while taking my chihuahua out in Christmas pajamas at noon. Low point in my life.
Time to eat Mexican food til I hate myself.
That's completely alright, I do it a lot.
Every little girl dreams of the day when she picks up her fuck buddy because he's drunk at the gay bar again.
you ever just feel like an organ is failing?
First contact since we had sex and it's to get my HBO password. I sure pick winners huh
quickly learned not to sleep with your roommate and work colleague in the same week
If I could I'd magically teleport drugs and alcohol to you. Like a bad decision fairy.
That moment when you’re at the doctor to give a sperm sample you’re only getting 3G so the porn is buffering
Randomize
