i wish mother nature was an actual person cause i'd bitch slap her for sure
I just googled "semen solvent" and got nothing. there has to be something that will wash this shit off!
I see a marketing opportunity
He kept trying to order 'sex on the tennis courts' for a drink last night
I'm making presurgery martini's. You need to be here.
Would it be weird if I told you I thought of you when I masturbated?
Looks like I'm more than just your Mexico mistake...
She trust falled out of a window. It was like that scene from A Little Princess but with a lot more blood.
Also when they left they could only find one sock between the two of them. Apparently we're like crazy sock ripping vixens when we bring guys home drunk
I've never felt so epic in my entire life as I do right now, my bare testicles staring down the ocean itself
I wonder if her husband knows I have my own drawer at the apartment
It feels like New Years Day all over again...me trying desperately not to throw up in the backseat & mom and dad blissfully unaware in the front
I didn't know your ex looked like a male Khloe Kardashian?
He caught a cramp during sex and I was like "do you want me to get you a banana?" And he responded with "I'll give you a banana" and kept going. I'm marrying him.
I mostly blame me being such a miserable fuck on the fact that I was born on a Monday.
I have post one night stand depression
And now Google thinks I have a hard hat fetish...maybe I do...
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