After he came all over my face, he proceeded to give me a high five. I can't even act upset because I always put myself in these situations. Did I mention D3: Mighty Ducks was playing in the background?
I have a very awkward question for you. Could you possibly take my black dildo. My mom wants to clean my room.
It took me 40.8 seconds to take a dump at her house, I know because I timed myself.
Prostitute standing on the corner thrusting at cars as they drive by. New marketing strategy?
a garbage man just dropped off my phone and wallet. he found them in the trash this morning.
Had to awkwardly dig through all my fake ID's to get my real one so I could vote.......Model citizen over here.
Bro I can't jerk it to my phone anymore. I feel Siri staring back, and she's real disappointed.
puking in a sink with a garbage disposal Fucking. Rules. It's like you're punishing your puke when you're done.
I think I kinda scared him when I told him if he premature ejaculated I would punch him in the throat.
When we were eating pie last night, I dropped some, and not only did you not judge me for far surpassing the 5 second rule, you let me use your foot to sock mop with. You're a good friend.
My mom comes home from her weekend with her lesbian co-workers and asks "You wanna know how I got these bruises?" I've never been more torn about anything EVER.
I just wanna get drunk and watch Tarzan with you is that to much to ask?!?
The housekeeper found my huge dildo under the bathroom sink, and another in the living room. I can't get much more single than this.
I have a few Facebook friends I only keep around for quality control purposes on Tinder
Masturbated while waiting for my face mask to dry, so it was a productive night.
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