My friends, they love my intelligence
halfway through eating me out he goes 'oh that reminds me i have to buy fish for good friday'
He said his penis was a 1 woman penis with a conscience an I was that woman...technically a declaration of commitment rite?
Well besides you comparing him to your dead cat, I'd say it was fine.
There's gotta be a lawn gnome full ecstasy around here somewhere. And by golly I will find it
First time at a gay bar. I found a surrogate AND sperm donor! The surrogate is straight, so it evens out.
I put on slutty clothes under my normal clothes, im like fucking super slutwoman
Best superhero ever to exist
Please don't judge me for my hormonal purchase, judge me for my awesome rack.
She asked how many sexual partners I'd had and I was like "Honestly I don't even know". And then she said "well last time you said 8." And my inner monologue busted out laughing and I was like "Oh I'd say like 11 or 12.....plus 20."
I am lonely and hungry. I need a girlfriend, but I'd settle for my mom.
My brother really should've known better than to make me go egg hunting with his daughter when I was entirely too drunk to do so. Threw up in a plant in front of her.
I can see their wedding vows now: 'Til basicness do us part
I didn't even respond. Just letting the crazy settle before I calmly fuck his shit up.
I have booze and I wanna give you a bj. How can you be mad at me?
I just want you to know you're the worst sister ever.
If this is about me and your ex, it's not my fault she doesn't like men.
Randomize
