No matter how drunk I am, I will take the time to wipe a pube off the toilet seat.
I feel like I got hit by a truck made out of Jack Daniels.
we need to drink 2009 down the drain
cant help it. i get a boner every time that shake weight infomercial comes on
Best idea ever: Giving hobos a beer and having a chugging contest to win another beer. Most fun I have had downtown in a while.
my mom just asked me why she found a half-eaten burrito in the hamper
I'm still not completely convinced I'm not pregnant. I just dipped beef jerky in cream cheese frosting.
All I remember is mattress sliding down the stairs while giving him a blow-job. Sorry you had to witness the incident.
The second I saw you stumbling down the stairs in a princess crown, I knew I had a friend for life.
Oh wow. Was walking and just saw her in the pool, fully clothed, ranting on an alligator float. I guess i should go get her before security gets here.
Right, well, that begs the question of where did you get the whip, why are you using it, and why don't you carry one around more often?
I am not sure which is more amazing; The fact that she offered me sex, beer AND nachos, or that she can properly use a semi-colon at her current blood alcohol level.
I have bruises from doing the splits on the poles, if that doesn't scream bourbon street regret then I don't know what does
It's hard not to feel like a terrible person with bruises on your tits.
You want further proof that God hates me? Okay. We're on the way to the ER. A homeless man stabbed me at the gas station.
Randomize
