Plus apparently whenever one of her friends loses their virginity they get a party with a funfetti cake which I found funny
I woke up naked on the bathroom floor. the tile grout marks on my boobs hurt, i mananged to use a roll toilet paper as a pillow. never again. did we eat salad?
Coming home soaking wet at three am and trying to convince the front desk man that we came from the library might have worked if I wasn't also roaring at everything.
Rent Disney Oceans. Smoke a bowl. Fast forward to the seal section. Then call me.
handjobs have no place on a baseball diamond
I knew I fucked up when I woke up with the meat scissors in my hand.
Come to me. Jacob is confessing his love and all I want is a hot dog. With chili. Not love.
I don't remember its real name, I just call it the Harrison Ford Cush after that idea with the Indiana Jones mask. I should just get high and sell people my ideas for their Halloween costumes all the time. I'd make a fucking fortune.
And also the fact that I woke up sandwiched between two gay men is probably fueling my day
I SWEAR TO GOD IF SHE FUCKS WITH OUR GOLD GENE POOL
moral of my life: don't tell a guy you want to have sex with him. he'll get back together with his ex.
Every time I start to trust vodka, it does this to me.
I'm sobbing to NWA
I'm going to blow a ton of money on sex toys just so I can tell you to do better than them.
It was sweet, he carried me out of my bathroom after I passed out, built me a pillow fort so I wouldn't roll out of bed, set a glass of water on the table, and brought me a mixing bowl to puke in. Totally a sign we're more than just fuckbuddies.
Randomize
