hey babe thanks for tonight, it was fun.
to be honest, i wanna fuck your friend.
At first I felt shameful, waking up naked next to a box of oreos and half a can of cake frosting...then I realized, this could be a bigger discovery than Atlantis.
she was like a sexier Rosie O'Donnel
You'd be so proud. I have the flu/sore throat, so I've tied a scarf around my head and I'm microwaving jagerbombs. Let it never be said I'm not commited.
I dove into a random van at the bar as the door was closing and ended up at some house with people I've never met in my life dancing in a basement
Bad news. I baked you a cake and one of my fingernails is missing.
After being his wingman last night, I've decided I will never talk about becoming a lesbian ever again. Picking up chicks is way too hard.
I think I'll bring the beer we scavenged from that other party. What goes around comes around, especially when it's Corona because that shit is not staying in my fridge
She made sure everyone knew we were doing shots for her dead grandma.
It's one PM on a Saturday and I'm sitting here drinking Jack, eating a block of cheese and playing Minecraft. Please tell me you can come drag me to a bar.
I am so not sober enough to have a 5 minute conversation in Spanish
I woke up and he already had a joint rolled waiting next to the bed. Love.
I'm so high I have morphed into the monopoly man. Or maybe the Pringles guy. I don't know but I have a mustach now
Punched myself in the face trying to open a bottle of Vicodin one handed. Night is going well.
Do you think he will let me wear my neck fan while he throws my back out?
Please shut the fuck up.
Randomize
