You know you have a problem when you walk into your bathroom find kettle one in your shower and a note you wrote yourself when drunk that says "panties at jared leto's" on your counter
Tittie bar + Mother In law gone = mission accomplished.
You can't use the, "think about your future" line when trying to convince me to save some weed for tomorrow.
I chased a girl up a staircase screaming because she had a cardboard cut out of James Dean which, at the time, I believed to my friend being held against his will
It summer and it's getting a lot harder to hide sex bruises from my parents.
First world problems?
The guy I woke up with is wearing the same nailpolish as me...I need to stop drinking
Will you be my therapist? I don't want to tell me secrets to a strange person and be judged all over again when you have already taken the time to do it. Oh and I will pay you with alcohol
Just saw our highschool guidance counselor at the bar and he's taken six shots in the last hour. Those teenagers have fucking hardened him.
You're like my little fucked up version of the groundhog seeing its shadow, only it's boobs and warm weather.
fuck you I'm eating salad I can't be drunk.
Phone keeps correcting good morning to "food moaning" and I like the way it thinks.
Are you vicariously golddigging through me?!
May I make reservations with your penis for this evening?
I woke up and there is a small Irish man playing call of duty in my room. Discuss.
dude. I can hear the air.
Randomize
