I dont ever wanna see you tell my little brother to "spread the seed" ever again
i just discovered a movie that charlize theron is a sex addict. i think my prayers have been answered
watchout when you come home, dougs at the top of the stairs naked eating doritos
We decided to cut you off after you insisted on eating peanuts by the dumpster
I saw him walking to campus with his beer in his hand in the same sweats he wore walking to campus with a beer in his hand yesterday.
It was like the perfect storm of bad decisions.
That girl from the bar sent me a text saying that she wants to wear my cock as a hat. A cock hat. Is that good or bad?
IF THE GUY WHO I AM BORROWING OUR CAR FROM FINDS ONE CONDOM OR JIZZ STAIN IN THIS CAR HE IS GOING TO CASTRATE MY ASS. SERIOUSLY, DON'T FUCK IN THE CAR.
Accidentally donated half a joint to Kiwanis with the spare change from my car's ashtray. I hope those kids appreciate it.
I threw your vagina at him like a grenade. And sweet Jesus he caught it like a champ
I'm serenading his dick with my words. I understand how poets get inspiration now.
Never in my life have I been so excited to nap as I am right now.
Vodka for breakfast. With a side of Frankenberries. Don't judge me.
Literally I woke up the other day and the girl part of me was like “GET CUFFED MOTHERFUCKER” and I went ham on tinder.
I just saw a guy in a zippo shirt buy 2 gallons of fire starter fluid and then proceed to smoke a cigarette. I feel like hes got some big plans for his tuesday.
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