Do you have a shampoo for semen
Or a time machine
It feels like I shit a light bulb that shattered on the way out.
It was like a little tadpole swimming in the big ocean.
just balanced a champagne glass on my gut. thanks to beer im a living breathing tempur-pedic mattress.
I really super glued a paper bow tie to my body last night. I need to do less drugs.
ya, but you'll graduate college with a higher education. I'm looking at at least two addictions, an abortion, and a few weeks jail time.
Handle of 100 proof captain dressed like a pilgrim here we go
if I just puked into my own hand, but then cleaned it up quickly, quietly, and calmly, am I still a trainwreck?
Sitting on the curb by new england comics with a weeping drunk girl who's eating french fries saying she'll never be as successful as her sister the hand model. She's scaring the nerds.
the gays at disneyland are vicious
That one dude should feel honored if he were to get herpes from you. Fuck that Guy. He is a herpe.
Of course not. I'd be offended if you didn't bring my boobs into casual conversation.
Jesus, I just want to drink. Also simultaneously punch things and rub my vagina on them.
I should know better than to open your texts at the grocery store
Good morning 7am walk of shame. It's been awhile.
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