break up sex still means we will always be broken up.
her orgasm sounded like a fucking walrus crying.
I feel like every car around me knows I'm driving in my snuggie
the girls on my floor started fighting over who got to keep the random hoodies that boys forgot in my room after sex
She asked me how I live with myself. I told her one night at a time.
i did the responsible thing and pissed myself...
regular news: took many shots of tequila.....bad news: woke up with a toothbrush and vagisil next to me.....good news: clean as a whistle
I am going to wait until he wakes up to set his couch on fire and then pee it out. That way he knows it was not an accident.
At the ER, will you come pick me up... Had an allergic reaction, wanted to see if I could eat a peanut without dying... Do you how bad this is evolutionary, I would have died back in the days of survival of the fitest by now
I have work in an hour and I'm having trouble with concepts such as 'staying upright' and 'staying conscious'. Tie me to your wrist next time we go out drinking,
I woke up with broken tostitos all over my bed and a snap chat of myself flipping off the camera.
Blizzard, Hour 9: I'm 7 beers deep and have finished Ninja Turtles. I am listening to the NYPD and Nassau Fire Dept pipes and drums and writing new drum scores in my head, which I may or may not remember tomorrow
So in my DUI class I had to write down 3 people I'd call if I needed to talk and why...they all want to meet you now...
I still don’t believe you, the dog DID NOT tear down the shower curtain and shit on the floor.. we found you in the fetal position in the bathroom holding your tequila gun. It was you!
I just got out of a $280 speeding ticket by acting like The Big Lebowski. Seriously Jeff Bridges is the man.
Randomize
